“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.”
I don’t really know where to start, I kind of wish I could say I had a ‘creative block’ but – to be completely transparent – I just wanted to take a step back from the online world, my relationship with it had become toxic. During a trip to Australia in February, I had this vision of me taking countless pictures in boho Byron Bay sipping on a Chai Latte, I was SO excited to create content.
The truth is I didn’t care. I was hardly on my phone, I rarely took pictures on my camera and I think I posted about 3 times in total for the whole month I was there. Of course I cared about all my loyal followers, but my passion for all things digital, had quickly swapped to a passion for nature in its purest form and to being more present – a passion for being a reader rather than a writer (eek that’s painful to comprehend). I connected to nature in ways I had never felt before and seeing the power of nature, I actually started to see the online world as a source of negativity that I wasn’t sure I wanted to be apart of anymore. Being in beautiful eastern Australian showed me the power and beauty of the REAL world that basically made me re-think, here I am worrying that I have lost another 20 followers on Instagram and basing my worth on that, when the world is so extraordinarily beautiful. Ironically this revelation was almost hysterically timed with the quitting of my job to pursue full time blogging, and now I didn’t actually want to do that either.
So here I was, jobless and blogless. The universe really was testing me. What was it I really wanted to do?
To be honest this has been a much-welcomed break, I haven’t wanted to blog, or post pictures of myself and double check how many followers I had and hyper focus on hashtags and stress about looking perfect. I am not perfect and to be completely honest I have found a respect for myself where getting numbers on a picture doesn’t need to define my life. I am returning to the online world, but with a completely different relationship to it, a healthier one and a more realistic one too.
CHANGING PATHS… AGAIN
Some of you may know that since graduating I have also spent the last 5 years in the world of digital marketing, and being entirely honest AGAIN i’ve literally hated it 80 percent of the time. I wish I liked it, I am paid well, I am settled. But I don’t like it and I never have. Even looking back to that naive first day at work as a starry eyed 21 year old straight out of uni, it took me around 2 weeks to realise that the career wasn’t right for me. I have tried to fight this fact for YEARS. But the key word here is FACT, it isn’t a phase, or something that’s going to go away. It is a fact. And I can’t keep running from my truth anymore. Yet here I am, 5 years later still in the industry. I have really had to dig deep and find out why I accept less for myself, why I accept unhappiness, why I know something isn’t right for me yet I continue to pursue it.
So I am re-writing my beliefs about success – because if I am not happy then I am not successful and that really is the bottom line. Just know that it’s okay to take a step back, it’s okay to have time out, it’s okay to quit, and it’s okay to change your mind.
I am constantly learning, growing and developing and with this, has become many awakenings, many brutal truths and uncomfortable conversations i’ve had to have with myself. The truth can sometimes cut you like a knife, but the one thing you cannot do is lie to yourself. But for now I am learning to be kind to myself and instead of saying, “I’m damaged, I’m broken, I’m lost” say “I’m healing, I’m rediscovering myself, I’m starting over.”
“The death of a dream can in fact serve as the vehicle that endows it with new form, with reinvigorated substance, a fresh flow of ideas, and splendidly revitalized color. In short, the power of a certain kind of dream is such that death need not indicate finality at all but rather signify a metaphysical and metaphorical leap forward.”