I don’t know if this was a reaction of the fact that my father lacked emotion or a declaration of love for me. But throughout my life I constantly craved acceptance from males. Like my whole worth was wrapped up in a males projection of my worth. Knowingly I molded and adapted to the ever changing demands of what men viewed as what it was to be ‘worthy’ as a woman.
Wife material is a term that’s thrown around like the ultimate goal of being valuable as a woman, a real show of worth. In all honestly I don’t think I’ll ever be seen as what’s commonly known as wife material. What I will not do is sit at home popping out babies and making a nest. But what I will do is continue to be educated. To live fiercely. To fight for feminism, equality and what I believe in. To travel the world. And to challenge what society expects of me.
Ironically I have had, without sounding boastful, many desirable men desire me for me. Sometimes for my body, or my appearance but mostly for me as a whole, unfiltered, ballsy, and constantly changing. Which was great, I learnt a lot very young, importantly that men can love you for who you are as a whole not purely based on physical appearance. I have also had men that didn’t see my worth. And I have to be honest, every time I took it so personally that I felt like I had been hit with a brick, because that’s the thing with basing your worth on temporary people. Once they are gone, nothing is left. I also had life changing friendships with men who I can honestly say helped me and shaped my young life in an extremely positive way. In conclusion I don’t hate men at all. I think men are A wonderful asset to have around you and I still value their opinion on most things, apart from me. But it shouldn’t be your only source of value, here’s why:
Ironically, what happened next was that no man was ever enough for me. Because my worth was based on something so illusory, so lacking in substance that I never truly found my worth. Even when I was told by men repeatedly I was enough. Even when I was madly loved by another. I still wasn’t enough for me. Until it hit me one day, like a brick to the face… and I finally know now what I’ve been told all along. I am the only person who can define my worth. I am the only person who can determine my value. My happiness. My life. I used to measure my self worth on how men perceived me. Now I measure it solely on who I believe I am. And this has been one of my greatest lessons, for I am the greatest love of my life. Keep believing in yourself and loving yourself because at the end of the day, I am all I have.