Recognising my role in my toxic relationships has been a big turning point for me, turning the flash light on my self was painful but extremely enlightening. After all its easier to blame the other person isn’t it? It’s easier to blame my childhood or an absent father. But whilst the men were toxic too, I actively CHOSE them, I stuck with them, I let them poison me. I ignored the nice guys – the good guys – I always pushed them away – I self sabotaged my chance of happiness time after time. I used to think ‘nice guys’ were boring or I didn’t trust them, thinking there must be an ulterior motive. The truth is I wasn’t comfortable with steady and stable love. I didn’t understand it. I had never seen a healthy relationship and so associated instability and anger as passion and excitement.
But like all bad habits, they are hard to break. I needed to work on myself and I am daily. I needed to smash through the toxic box I put love into. Break the patterns. Dig deep into my own state of mind. The first step I took was noticing the toxic patterns and taking ownership of my own actions. I am constantly evolving as a woman alone and in a relationship and let me tell you its taken a lot of work. But everything in life worth having takes work. Realising that I can grow in a relationship without burning it to the ground first – I have started to choose my battles wisely, not create them. Learnt to weather the storm, not create it. I know now that I have the power to stop myself from pouring the petrol on to the fire in my relationships.
It’s time to say goodbye to my unhappily ever after and start living my happily ever after.