Self sabotaging in toxic relationships

Self sabotaging in toxic relationships


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I have been in many toxic relationships, and to be honest one of the main reasons they were toxic was because of me. I was toxic, I thought drama and arguments were love, partially due to my upbringing, partially due to my mental health at the time. I was attracted to men who were bad for me and who sparked that toxic fire in me. Like a tornado I went from one bad relationship to the next, burning as many bridges as I could and hurting myself and others whilst doing so, this constant cycle of – what I now recognise as self sabotage – became an addiction to me. Addicted to the poison that the toxicity gave me.

Recognising my role in my toxic relationships has been a big turning point for me, turning the flash light on my self was painful but extremely enlightening. After all its easier to blame the other person isn’t it? It’s easier to blame my childhood or an absent father. But whilst the men were toxic too, I actively CHOSE them, I stuck with them, I let them poison me. I ignored the nice guys – the good guys – I always pushed them away – I self sabotaged my chance of happiness time after time. I used to think ‘nice guys’  were boring or I didn’t trust them, thinking there must be an ulterior motive. The truth is I wasn’t comfortable with steady and stable love. I didn’t understand it. I had never seen a healthy relationship and so associated instability and anger as passion and excitement.

But like all bad habits, they are hard to break. I needed to work on myself and I am daily. I needed to smash through the toxic box I put love into. Break the patterns. Dig deep into my own state of mind. The first step I took was noticing the toxic patterns and taking ownership of my own actions. I am constantly evolving as a woman alone and in a relationship and let me tell you its taken a lot of work. But everything in life worth having takes work. Realising that I can grow in a relationship without burning it to the ground first – I have started to choose my battles wisely, not create them. Learnt to weather the storm, not create it. I know now that I have the power to stop myself from pouring the petrol on to the fire in my relationships.

It’s time to say goodbye to my unhappily ever after and start living my happily ever after.



  1. June 1, 2017 / 7:44 pm

    It can be so hard to realise you’re in a toxic relationship at the time, but all too obvious later x


    • Year of You
      June 2, 2017 / 1:12 pm

      So true! Time is everything xox

  2. June 5, 2017 / 7:48 pm

    Leaving toxic relationship can be hard, as you’re not aware. Once you are you can take steps to ending it and getting healthy, and work on yourself. I can totally relate, I had God knows how many toxic relationships I’ve been it.

    So I can relate so much right now, great post. 🙂

    • Year of You
      June 6, 2017 / 9:17 am

      Thank you! Yes it’s so hard to see clear when your in the relationship. I like how you said ‘taking steps’ to end it. As it is a process. Thanks for your comment lovely!

  3. January 6, 2018 / 6:12 pm

    I love that you note that this is a choice. As much as it hurts when someone comes into our lives and treats us terribly, we have a responsibility to ensure we’re in a position to leave when we need to. I’m so proud of you for attracting the right people into your life

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